We’ve turned off cable.

Of course, we have our DVD player and we can still watch movies, but in order to decrease the chaos in our house, we’ve turned the cable off. We were spending less time as a family and more time in front of the tube. Not to mention, we were paying a lot of money a month to have an addictive disruption in our lives.

We’ve tried this before, but then after a day or two, one of us would get convinced by the cable company that our Internet would suffer.

Not this time. I’ve rented an office so I don’t need high speed Internet at the house. Our monthly phone and Internet bill has decreased by more than half.

The television has been a crutch. For the first six years of our marriage, we didn’t have cable. The kids had their Baby Einstein and Veggie Tale videos, but their beginnings didn’t involve television. Somewhere along the way, we got addicted. My husband and I didn’t like what it was doing to our family.

The kids were a little bothered about it at first, yet after the shock wore off, they just went outside and played TV Tag.

During their TV TAG game, Jacob was watching Eric flip around like a Power Ranger, he sighed heavily, “Oh Eric. You’re being a rerun.”

I think we did the right thing in turning off the cable.

I received a few emails asking why I chose Child Abuse Prevention and Awareness as my platform in the local pageant. It was difficult for me to choose a platform, because there are so many things I’m passionate about. This is where my faith steps in and I really had to pray about it, even though, I knew what I had to choose.

I didn’t like it. I didn’t want to talk about child abuse.

I’ve felt a tug on my heart to speak openly about the abuse I’ve suffered, yet still dealing with issues of my own self worth (a side effect of being abused) I created this false facade for myself, which didn’t include abuse. I painted this rosy, picturesque childhood ~equipped with innocence and acceptance. I learned to lie. I could cover-up terrible pain by focusing on vanity or something equally as irrelevant. I know how to place a smile upon my face and bury hurt so deep, I’d forget it is there. I’ve allowed many people in my adult life to walk over me, insert their opinions and still keep my mouth shut.

I cared too much about being liked.

Some well-meaning friends have asked how I could have gotten involved in a religion that many believe is a cult. Why would I do that when I already had issues with control? I don’t know if there is one simple answer, but I will tell you that I have always had a huge faith in God. At that point in my life, I had many questions, and “they” had the answers. I wanted so badly to be a part of a family. I was a single mother, isolated, and very much thirsting for spiritual knowledge.

What I’ve realized is I only knew how to function on secrets and dysfunction. Peace didn’t exist in my life.

I credit my husband a lot for teaching me to be my own person. I’m still learning. Everyday, I have to ask God to give me the wisdom and the strength to be Jaime and to really like her.

I’m also learning how to forgive. It is in this forgiveness that I want to reach out and help others. I think by telling my story, I can encourage someone else. The painful effects of abuse will never go completely away, but it can be used as a tool to help others.

I don’t have all the answers.

I’m learning as I go.

Deep in thought, I said goodbye to the client on the phone. I entered my bathroom and stood in the mirror. The bad hair day was still in full gear.

My phone rang. Again. For the fifth time in less than ten minutes my phone was ringing and I was getting annoyed. Irritated, I answered it and opened my bathroom door in an exaggerated display of a 31 year old have a temper tantrum. (It happens)

When I flung open the door, I decided to start walking. And walking I did…right smack into the corner of the door. I fell completely back and tears filled my eyes in pain. The result is half my lip is swollen ten times bigger than the other half.

Obviously, all that smack I was talking about walking since I was nine months old needed to end.

Mama needs some coordination.

And an ice pack.

I’m back home from the pageant!

I didn’t win.

I didn’t even place.

I thought I was going to win Mrs. Congeniality, only because some of the contestants told me they voted for me…and c’mon….I AM MRS. CONGENIALITY! Girl, please.

Despite the lack of the crown, I’m overwhelmingly happy. I’m proud of myself for doing this pageant…for stepping out of my comfort zone and following the path that God is leading me down.

Strangers came up to me after the pageant to tell me how great I looked and that I did a great job. Their words meant a lot to me, because truth be told, I was a nervous wreck!

My friends…the ones I told about the pageant were there…Mama Bev, Heather, Jen, Kai and Missa… cheering me on. Having them there touched my heart in so many ways. I know I’m blessed. Ladies, if you’re reading this…I love you and I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I made some lifelong friends now…Diedra and Devona, one made second runner up, the other first runner up, both were my picks to win. Diedra led us in a prayer circle before the pageant and the two of those women are not only my new friends, but my sisters in Christ. I’m  happy and blessed I met them.

I didn’t get a crown. Or the glory associated with it. And that’s okay. I knew I was a winner when my husband who is brutally honest, said to me, “Jaime, you were very beautiful up there. I’m proud of you.”

It was worth it all just to hear the man I love and admire say those words.

I took a risk and did something that is far removed from the realm of my reality. In my heart, I succeeded! I pranced around in a bathing suit like no one’s business and was OKAY. You have no idea how proud I am of myself. I faced my fears regarding my body, my appearance, and I pray I encouraged someone in the audience. (Like duct tape and support bras ARE YOUR FRIENDS!) I wasn’t Jaime Lozada from Phenix City, AL, abused and disregarded…I am Jaime Chase. Wife, Mother and Child of God.

I am a winner.

I DID IT!

I’m home for a short time. This morning was the judges’ interview. I wish I could tell you I’m confident that everything went well, that I was articulate and classy. I can’t say that. I can tell you that I was very talkative.

I was asked if I voted in the Municipal election.

Answer: Was there an election on April 1st?

Of course, I made sure they knew I was out of town, but still. Could I have sounded more dumb?

I’m a little nervous, but I am having fun. There is one contestant that I think has a sure shot. She’s very beautiful, and looks like she is already wearing the crown. For the most part, I like all the contestants and have quickly made friends with these remarkable women.

Five more hours left before showtime.

Here is to not making a complete fool of myself.

At least for today.